Interview with Adam Millard

AG: You are the founder/owner of Crowded Quarantine Publications. Based on the name, I would imagine that everyone there is quite sick.

AM: Yeah, we're all pretty sick all of the time. I don't know how we manage to get anything done. We have good medicine, and try not to infect the rest of the population by not biting, bleeding on, or having sex with them. I run a tight ship, making sure that everyone is tucked up in their solitary-confinement units by nine at night. It's worked so far. Though medicine is becoming more expensive, thanks to the British government, so I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it contained.

AG: Is a nation's probability of experiencing a zombie epidemic proportional to its rejection of universal healthcare? Will world governments provide access to the vaccine, or will they cynically withhold it as a means of population control?

AM: I believe that we are only months, if not days, away from experiencing the Zompocalypse. The warning signs are all there: mass coronal ejections, governmental disharmony, Snookie and Kim Kardashian. Anyone can see we are all doomed. And when it happens, the government will snipe Stephen Hawking from whatever he's up to - probably playing a nice game of chess or something, against himself - and have him tied in a basement until a vaccine is created. Then, Hawking will take a bullet to the back of the head, the President, the PM and their cronies will all get vaccines, and sell the rest to the wealthy. The poor will succumb to the infection, the rich will live on massive boats built by the second-coming of Noah, and that will be that.

AG: Many of your books reference the word "dead" in their titles -- Dead West, Dead Cells, Dead Frost... CQP recently published an anthology entitled Wake Up Dead. I take it you're a bit of a necrophiliac?

AM: I used to be. Then I got dumped by a pretty nasty bitch of a zombie, and decided to try something new. It's amazing how much more responsive a living woman is in comparison to a dead one. I'm not so self-conscious now. It can be a bit embarrassing being unable to bring a body to climax. Thankfully I met my wife - though she wasn't my wife when I met her - and I'm much happier now.

AG: Tell us about your experience at the 2012 Cardiff Comic Expo. You served as a panelist back in February?

AM: Cardiff was a fantastic weekend. The amount of fans that turned up specifically for my books was overwhelming. And the panel was so much fun. It was "Horror Is Dead", and we tried for an hour not so slate the Twilight Phenomenon. It was tough. It was an honour appearing on a panel with Robin Furth (Stephen King's researcher) and Wayne Simmons (Fellow horror hack). It was the first panel I've done, and I will be trying to recreate the magic at the upcoming Bristol Comic Expo, where we will be doing another panel, this time with Wayne Simmons, Scot Stanford (The Darker Side Of Oz) and Ryan Brown (Berserker Studios). 

AG: Aside from the current YA craze, zombie fiction seems to be one of the most popular genres around today. How do you explain this mainstream appeal when, only a decade ago, zombies were still much more of a niche thing?

AM: It appears to have come from nowhere. I think it might be a counter-attack on the copious amounts of sparkly-vampire bullshit currently doing the rounds. I've been made aware of several upcoming publications/movies, though, where it's just fine to fall in love with a zombie, and have - in the words of Bill Clinton - "sexual relations" with them. Romance has no place in mainstream horror, as far as I'm concerned. How would Mills and Boon fans like it if suddenly the heroine bit off a man's cock? I expect there would be uproar. Zombies should not be capable of love, and having sex with one would infect the rest of the population in a relatively short amount of time. So, yeah, I think it's something of a rebellion that the genre is doing so well. Everyone loves a bit of gore. I bet Mary Whitehouse loved The Evil Dead, really, and was just trying to get on TV.

AG: Give us an example of a genre-bender that has actually worked, or one that you think would work.

AM: I think From Dusk Till Dawn worked so well. The first hour are trademark Tarantino - wisecracking gangsters and witty banter - and then BOOM! Stripper vampires everywhere. When I first watched that movie, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. It was just perfect, and remains one of my favourite movies of all time. Not the sequels, though. Piss-poor.

AG: I recently read your "HELP! MY ASS HAS RABIES!" in Tall Tales with Short Cocks, the upcoming anthology from Bizarro Press. Would it be fair to describe it as "Dead Alive meets X-Files at McDonald's"? Or are such comparisons unwarranted?

AM: That's a very good description. When I started to write it, I knew that it had to be over-the-top and ridiculous. Those films were a heavy influence on me as a kid. Dead Alive, Evil Dead, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama; I love good, wholesome films like that. Setting the story in a fast-food restaurant was something I knew had to be done. Everyone is familiar with the surroundings, and can relate to them. They may have to suspend belief, however, with the rest of the story, as it could be described as "a little far-fetched." I had a lot of fun writing "Help! My Ass Has Rabies!" and hope that people enjoy it.

AG: I generally find it harder to suspend my disbelief when watching/reading mainstream news. Aren't stories written without corporate sponsorship easier to swallow, fictional or otherwise?

AM: I agree. We have a newspaper here called The Daily Sport, and it only has one page of sport in it. The rest is photographs of the female form in all its splendour, and stories that even I would struggle to come up with. I find those stories - Elvis found hiding in a hole in a Chester garden, El-Chupacabra is actually Bill Gates in a costume - a lot easier to believe than our national newspapers' stories. I don't believe half of the shit that's apparently true, such is the state of our country and its current affairs. If someone had told me a few years ago that we would be in this mess, I would have laughed, asked for a large order of whatever they were smoking, and yet here we are, struggling to put petrol in the car, being charged air-tax and given fart-penalties. It's craziness.

AG: Who would win in a fist fight between Margaret Thatcher (circa 1980) and Hilary Clinton (circa 2001)? 

AM: Thatcher. Without a doubt. If Denis Thatcher had pulled that shit on Margaret she'd have been wearing his balls for earrings for months after. I think, even now, Clinton wouldn't stand much of a chance. Thatcher was called The Iron Lady for a reason, and that reason is this: She is actually constructed from scrap-iron, and was built in Chuck Norris's garage as a little side-project.

AG: Thanks for taking the time to talk with us, Adam. Anything else you'd care to mention?

AM: Thanks for having me, and Tall Tales With Short Cocks is out now from Bizarro Press.